Just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder
by kinglyPanda
Summary: Steam Powered Giraffe: The Spine has a new human love interest. Rabbit disproves and sets out to teach The Spine that humans are a waste of his time. During the coarse of Rabbit's "lesson" The Spine seeks out Hatchworth to help get Rabbit off his back.


The date was December fifth, two-thousand-thirteen, just a week before the band's departure for their Yulemas Special. The Spine strides quickly back and forth in his room, mumbling to himself. A knock emerges from the door breaking The Spine from his focus.

"You may enter," The Spine says. The door opens to reveal Rabbit and he steps into the room.

"Are you okay The Spine? You're stepping mighty heavy. I can hear your foot-t-t-t-t steps all the way on the first floor," he stutters.  
"I'm fine Rabbit, I'm just," a sigh escapes from his thin black lips as he sits on the corner of his 'bed'," I'm just nervous."

"Nervous? Why are you nervous? What could you have to be nervous about?" The Spine looks up and parts his lips to answer but Rabbit cuts him off before he can say anything.

"Wait, no, I know that look! It's a human girl, isn't it?!" The Spine turns his head away slightly, if he had blood, he would be blushing. "Gosh d-d-d-d-darn it, The Spine, not again!"

"I'm sorry Rabbit, but I can't help whose company I like."

"Where'd you meet this one, hm, at one of your speakeasies?"

"Rabbit, speakeasies haven't been around for eighty years."

"That doesn't change the fact that she's no good for you. None of those human girls are!"

"Now, Rebecca is a lovely girl. She's a veterinarian and she likes our music."

"So you're fucking a fan, I see how-w-w it is!"

The Spine was in shock, he had no idea of how to respond to that. In their 116 years together he had never once heard his brother use profanity.

Rabbit began to stomp out of the room," This isn't over," he shrieked. He'd show his brother that he didn't need no human girls.

In the middle of the night The Spine awoke from his recharging session to find himself bound at the wrists and ankles. He tried to free himself but he couldn't break whatever held him. He heard a chuckle come from the corner.

"Who's there?" He asked. The light flickered on. Rabbit walked slowly over to The Spine.

"Rabbit, what is the meaning of this?" The Spine half shouted, a panicky tone gripping the end of his sentence as he flashback to their earlier argument.

"I'm gonna prove to you that you don't need any human girl," he began to move his hand to The Spine's pants.

"I plead you not do what I think you are going to do. Let us talk this through like civil automatons."

"It's t-t-t-t-o late for that," he pull The Spine's pants down to his knees and there sat The Spine's precious 7-inch long prosthetic penis. The Spine always wore a prosthetic, said it made him feel more human. Rabbit didn't buy it.

Rabbit gave a weird cough causing black oil to begin to drip from his lips. He took the oil into his hand and began smearing it on The Spine's prosthetic.

"Get ready" Rabbit said with a smile as he bent over. The Spine had a look of sheer panic on his face, trying to think of a way to make what he thought was about to happen not. Rabbit stood back up, bring with him a toaster. This confused The Spine and he let out a snicker.

"What's so funny?" questioned Rabbit with a bewildered smirk.

"Oh, nothing really, it's, uh, it's just funny because toasters," The Spine replied awkwardly.

"I don't think you're in any position to be making fun of my toys Mr. P-p-prosthetic. Anyway, back to proving my point." In one hand Rabbit positioned the prosthetic and in the other he held the toaster. Rabbit began moving the toaster closer to the prosthetic.

"Um, Rabbit, do you intend to force me to have intercourse with a toaster?"

"But of course, this is the only t-t-true way for us automatons to get it on."

"Well you do know that they call me The Spine for a reason, right?" His head and spine are released from his torso. "See you later Rabbit," he says as he slithers into a nearby air vent.

"I've got to get to Hatchworth's room," thought The Spine," He should be able to help."

After spending much time being lost The Spine finally entered Hatchy's room.

"Hatchworth, get up, Hatchworth!" The Spine quietly yelled from the floor.

Hatchworth's eyes opened slowly. He looked up expecting to see the giant that is The Spine but he was not there.

"I'm down here Hatchworth."

Hatchworth looked down," Well if it isn't _just_ The Spine." He snickered at his own unfunny joke. "So, ah, where is the rest of you?" He crouched so he could look The Spine in the eyes.

"Rabbit's lost it Hatchy. He tied me up in my room, I need your help," The Spine pleaded."

"Oh me oh my!" exclaimed Hatchworth," I'll help you sure thing old buddy old pal. Here, let me carry you so we can move faster." Before The Spine could respond he was in Hatchworth's arms being petted like he was a cat.

"Hatchworth, would you stop petting me and focus. We need to think of a plan."

"Oh don't worry about that. I already have one." Hatchworth smiled.

"That's great and all, but do you mind filling me in?"

"Shhh, it's a secret. You'll find out later."

Hatchworth and The Spine began the short journey from Hatchworth's room in the basement to Rabbit's room on the first floor. Hatchworth opened the door slowly and quietly then peaked inside.

"You know Hatchworth, now would be a great time to tell me about that plan of yours," whispered The Spine.

"Shhh," Hatchworth whispered back. He put a hand over The Spine's mouth.

Hatchworth tiptoed into the room. He about three feet away from Rabbit and he grabbed The Spine with both hands near the end. Then he took a righteous swing, providing damage to both robot heads.

"Ouch!" cried both Rabbit and The Spine, but Hatchworth did not stop. He kept swinging and mashing until The Spine and Rabbit were reduced to piles of scrap metal and bolts. You see, Hatchworth was still a bit sour that his so called "brothers" allowed him to be locked away for so long. Now that he had started, he could not leave the job unfinished. He opened the front door of the manor and walked out into the dark winter night. He was off to find The Jon.


End file.
